Mitt Romney’s Message for the Holidays
Mitt Romney has a message for everyone this Halloween season: Don’t go knocking on his door! “Halloween goes against everything that is American,” he says. “It promotes satanic values and instills in our children that it’s okay to go knocking on strangers’ doors asking for handouts.” He continues, “we as devout Republicans and Americans do not feel like promoting or enabling entitlements like candy corn or mini Snickers bars. I love Snickers, don’t get me wrong, but we Americans cannot go around handing freeloading children candy. It’ll only make them lazier. Pretty soon they won’t be knocking on strangers’ doors, but sitting at home with the phone book and calling strangers to ask them for treats. It’s un-American.”
When asked whether he felt the same way about Christmas, a time for people all over the world to unite and celebrate in the birth of Jesus Christ, the Presidential candidate also said he would wage a war against the North Pole.
“Santa Claus is a criminal and he needs to be stopped. Spreading the wealth? Making sure all children have toys? That’s preposterous! Why has this criminal been on the run for centuries? He comes in your house, eats your cookies, leaves a mess of coal in your stockings (which only takes jobs away from coal miners), and then leaves thousands of dollars’ worth of repairs on your roof because of that God awful sleigh steered by flying reindeer. It’s not normal and he needs to be stopped.”
He continues, “also, the elves he employs should not be working in that workshop so much with all of that magic, beds, candy canes, all the cinnamon cookies they can eat and central heat and air conditioning. They’re in the North Pole. There’s no reason for them to have central air conditioning. I could save them from Santa and put them to work in my China sweatshops.”
So there you have it, Americans. Mitt Romney hates Halloween and Christmas. Be prepared for a nuclear war against the North Pole!
Note: This was posted on a page and apparently a lot of their fans didn’t get that this was satire, which it obviously is. And in other shocking news, there’s no Santa Claus!
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