A History of Thanksgiving (for your post-dinner amusement)
1492 – Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn’t. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620 – Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671 – First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith’s parents tell Pocahontas the “hilarious” old “I got lost in the maize” joke for the hundredth time.
1701 – At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic “Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty.” Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.
1776 – Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his cry “the British are coming!” as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.
1812 – At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to “best 2 out of 3.”
1860 – At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama’s Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the “children’s table” is instituted in 1861.
1903 – Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928 – To commemorate “our nation’s greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever,” President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.
1929 – Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957 – Declaring her spicy stuffing “a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn,” Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969 – The world’s largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad “brown gravy” gets passed around.
1991 – When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
1997 – Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling “pure” turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national fowl emergency.
2002 – America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives. Saddam Hussein is caught trying to smuggle Turkeys filled with WMD’s in containers bound for the US.
Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen.
– Revelation 7:12
I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought,
and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.
– Gilbert Keith Chesterton,
English writer (1874-1936)
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