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Posts tagged ‘joke’

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN – it’s to laugh

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been giving an entrance quiz for everyone.”

Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about an entrance exam, sure hope the test ain’t too hard: Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter goes on, “I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions: — what days of the week begin with the letter “T”? — How many seconds are there in a year? — What is God’s first name?”

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one – how many days of the week begin with the letter “T” Shucks – that one’s easy. That’d be today and tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but you do have a point though and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll have to give you credit for the answer. How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder”, says Forrest, “but I thought and thought about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve! Forrest how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest says, “Aw come on St. Peter. There’s got to be twelve – January second, February second, March second ”

“Hold it!” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with it. I guess I see your point. Though it wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one too. Let’s go on with the next and final question – what is God’s first name?”

Forrest replied, “Andy.”

When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name ‘Andy’, Forrest replied, “You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me’.”

THE LESSON:
There is always another point of view and just because another person doesn’t see things the same way, or understand the same way that you do, does not mean that it is wrong.

Security Alert

Church Security — Special Bulletin…..

Notice: Intelligence has uncovered a new wave of church terrorists sent out to replace those captured yesterday. These new terrorists are believed to be brothers of those taken on Monday, October 22, 2001. Intelligence believes the brothers names are; Bin Gossip,
Bin Critical, Bin Absent and Bin Sour. The fear is, they are already in place in many area churches. Intelligence also fears that there are even more brothers in this wicked family just waiting for orders to invade.

Since our first report we have been notified by a number of Church Board’s that they have identified four additional suspected terrorists working in different churches. Three of them have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. The Associate Pastor advised us that it is very difficult to find anyone fitting the description of the fourth cell member: Bin Workin, in most churches. However, he is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

Other terrorists that church members are advised to be on the lookout for are Bin Lying, Bin Sleeping, Bin Arguing, Bin Fighting, Bin Complaining, Bin Missing, Bin Procrastinating, Bin Backsliding, and Bin non-Tithing. The ring leader is none other than Bin Lucifer, who has trained these operatives very well. If you see any of these terrorists operating in your church, immediately report them to your pastor and church board members.

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER – it’s to laugh

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER
 
You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one!  You don’t even have to like them!
 
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.  We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
 
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.  The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
 
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’
 
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away.  ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.  But it worked!  I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’
 
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

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