Just another Rainbow Christian's Blog

Posts tagged ‘Funny’

Famous Job Hunters – it’s to laugh

IF FAMOUS HISTORICAL FIGURES WERE LOOKING FOR A JOB TODAY…

~ Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

~ Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

~ Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.

~ Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.

~ Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

~ Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

~ Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

~ Macbeth: Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

~ Lady Godiva: What do mean, this isn’t “business casual”?

~ Elvis: My last boss and I…say, are you going to eat those fries?

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If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen, but not necessarily what you intended.

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“If you want to make peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.”—Mother Teresa

The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls. –— Elizabeth Cady Stanton (1815-1902)

FAIR USE NOTICE:

This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc.

This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.

This material is distributed without profit

IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.


Every 3.6 seconds a real person dies from hunger somewhere in the world!!!
Feed a hungry person today:
http://www.hungersite.com

My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/Ninure

God is still speaking
http://www.stillspeaking.com

John Mark Ministries
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Is your mind normal?

@=@ Is YOUR Mind Normal?

Have you ever wondered if your mind is normal? Well, do this little mind exercise and find out! Free will or neurological wiring? You decide!

Try the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There’s no secret trick to it!

Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can. Remember, do it as quickly as you can, but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them.

Now, scroll down (but not too fast, so you don’t miss anything)…

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2 + 4

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5 + 1

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Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds.
Then scroll down.

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QUICK! THINK OF A VEGETABLE!
Then scroll down…

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Keep going!

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You’re thinking of a carrot, right?

If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think something else. 98% of people will think of a carrot when they do this exercise!

Proverbs – The Strange Version

Proverbs – The Strange Version

1.. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
 
2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
 
3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
 
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
 
5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
 
6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
 
7. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
 
8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
 
9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
 
10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
 
11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
 
12. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
 
13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.
 

Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

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FAIR USE NOTICE:

This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc.

This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.

This material is distributed without profit


Every 3.6 seconds a real person dies from hunger somewhere in the world!!!
Feed a hungry person today:
http://www.hungersite.com

My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/Ninure

God is still speaking
http://www.stillspeaking.com

John Mark Ministries
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Explanations of Instructions

Explanations of Instrctions

What it says: “Batteries not included”

What it means: “Batteries do not come with this product, and you’re going to have to buy them yourself. Moreover, it uses unique batteries that you won’t find anywhere but a
specialty store, where you’ll pay twice as much for them.”

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What it says: “Some restrictions apply

What it means: “Somehow, some way, we’ll find a way to exclude you.”

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What it says: “May cause drowsiness”

What it means: “Expect a sudden bout with narcolepsy while you’re driving to work.”

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What it says: “Some assembly required”

What it means: “Take the day off and borrow your neighbor’s 2,000-piece tool kit. Don’t make any other plans for the day.”

Disclaimer: Pursuant to the UCC (Uniform Comedy Code), all depictions of events and persons on this site are more real than reality itself, and therefore any resemblance to reality is not really real.

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FAIR USE NOTICE:

This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc.

This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.

This material is distributed without profit

IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

“I trace the rainbow through the rain and see the promise is not in vain.”


Every 3.6 seconds a real person dies from hunger somewhere in the world!!!
Feed a hungry person today:
http://www.hungersite.com

My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/Ninure

God is still speaking
http://www.stillspeaking.com

John Mark Ministries
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

New Dog Breeds? – it’s to laugh

The following new breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso: A dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow: A dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter: A traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs: A puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso: An abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer: A dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever: The choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound: A dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull: A dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador: A dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point: Owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute: A dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere: A dog that’s true to the end

People often say with pride, “I’m not interested in politics.” They might as well say, “I’m not interested in my standard of living, my health, my job, my rights, my freedoms, my future, or any future.”
    — Martha Gellhorn, writer/journalist   (1908-1998)

Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

===================

NOTICE: Due to Presidential Executive Orders, the National Security Agency may have read this Blog without warning, warrant, or notice.

They may do this without any judicial or legislative oversight. You have no recourse nor protection save to call for the impeachment of the current President.

FAIR USE NOTICE:

This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc.

This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.

This material is distributed without profit


Every 3.6 seconds a real person dies from hunger somewhere in the world!!!
Feed a hungry person today:
http://www.hungersite.com

My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/Ninure

God is still speaking
http://www.stillspeaking.com

John Mark Ministries
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Even Jesus didn’t know…

One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn, dog-eared Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and fine jewelry. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship in church.” The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”

“I did,” replied the old cowboy.

“And what was his reply?” asked the preacher.

“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear, that He’d never been in this church.”

The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery; You shall not murder; You shall not steal; You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
– Romans 13:9</i>

I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary — the evil it does is permanent.
– Mahatma Gandhi

In many parts of the world the people are searching for a solution which would link the two basic values: peace and justice. The two are like bread and salt for mankind.
– Lech Walesa
from his Nobel Lecture

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FAIR USE NOTICE:

This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc.

This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.

This material is distributed without profit

IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

“I trace the rainbow through the rain and see the promise is not in vain.”

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Books on Relgion and Spirituality


Every 3.6 seconds a real person dies from hunger somewhere in the world!!!
Feed a hungry person today:
http://www.hungersite.com

My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/Ninure

God is still speaking
http://www.stillspeaking.com

John Mark Ministries
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Meeting God – a story

This is one of my favorite stories…

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, “What did you do today that made you so happy? “He replied, “I had lunch with God.” But before his mother could respond, he added, “You know what? God’s got the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen!”

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked,” Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?” He replied, “I ate Twinkies in the park with God.” However, before his son responded, he added,” You know, he’s much younger than I expected.”

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The cynic and the optimist both think they are observing reality.
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People often say with pride, “I’m not interested in politics.” They might as well say, “I’m not interested in my standard of living, my health, my job, my rights, my freedoms, my future, or any future.”
    — Martha Gellhorn, writer/journalist   (1908-1998)

Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

‘God does not share his love between all of his creatures; He gives *all* of his love to *each* of His creatures!’ (Hugh of St. Victor).

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FAIR USE NOTICE:

This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc.

This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.

This material is distributed without profit

“I trace the rainbow through the rain and see the promise is not in vain.”


Every 3.6 seconds a real person dies from hunger somewhere in the world!!!
Feed a hungry person today:
http://www.hungersite.com

My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/Ninure

God is still speaking
http://www.stillspeaking.com

John Mark Ministries
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

True Southerner

(As an African American who was born and raised in Chicago almost 60 years ago, I was amazed how much of this applied to me. I mean, tho the segregated South my African-American roots were anything but distantI had to keep nodding “Yep, that’s true.” – Ninure da Hippie)

True Southerner

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a
“hissie fit” and a “conniption,” and that you don’t “have”
them, so much as you “pitch’ them.

Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard
greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up a mess.

A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of “yonder.”

A true Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as
in “Going to town, be back directly.”

Even true Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is
not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that
sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot
fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the
trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large
banana puddin’.)

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between
“right near” and “a right far’ piece.” They know that “just
down the road” can be one mile or twenty.

True Southerners both know and understand the differences
between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

True Southerners know that “fixin” can be used both as a
noun, verb, and adverb.

A true Southerner knows how to understand Southern: a booger
can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive (“That ol’
booger!”) or something that jumps out at you in the dark and
scares you spitless.

True Southerners make friends standing in lines. We don’t do
“queues,” we do “lines.” And when we’re in line, we talk to
everybody.

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they’re related, if only by marriage.

True Southerners never refer to one person as “y’all.”

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy
is also a breakfast food; that fried green tomatoes are not
breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, “Well, I called myself lookin’,”
you know you’re in the presence of a genuine Southerner.

Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it – we do not like
our tea unsweetened; “sweet milk” means you don’t want
buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at
little old ladies who drive 30 on the freeway. You say,
“Bless her heart” and go your way.

Disclaimer: Pursuant to the UCC (Uniform Comedy Code), all depictions of events and persons on this site are more real than reality itself, and therefore any resemblance to reality is not really real.

===================

FAIR USE NOTICE:

This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc.

This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.

This material is distributed without profit

IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

“I trace the rainbow through the rain and see the promise is not in vain.”


Every 3.6 seconds a real person dies from hunger somewhere in the world!!!
Feed a hungry person today:
http://www.hungersite.com

My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/Ninure

God is still speaking
http://www.stillspeaking.com

John Mark Ministries
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

The Search – it’s to laugh

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘ Hello ? ‘

‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.

‘ Yes ,‘ whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘ No .’

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mummy there?’

‘Yes

‘May I talk with her?’

Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No ‘.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

Yes , ‘ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman .

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’

‘ No, he’s busy , ‘

‘Busy doing what?’

‘ Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ‘ came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

‘ A helicopter

‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ‘ The search team just landed a helicopter ‘.

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ‘ ME . ‘

Disclaimer: Pursuant to the UCC (Uniform Comedy Code), all depictions of events and persons on this site are more real than reality itself, and therefore any resemblance to reality is not really real.

===================

FAIR USE NOTICE:

This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc.

This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law.

This material is distributed without profit

IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

“I trace the rainbow through the rain and see the promise is not in vain.”


Every 3.6 seconds a real person dies from hunger somewhere in the world!!!
Feed a hungry person today:
http://www.hungersite.com

My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/Ninure

God is still speaking
http://www.stillspeaking.com

John Mark Ministries
http://jmm.aaa.net.au/

Why God never got His PhD – its too laugh

(If you don’t have a sense of humor, or are easily offended you should skip this “offering”)

Why God never got His PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human
subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed
his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

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